My baby is turning 1 on Sunday. Holy smokes, that year went by so fast! Every time I think about it I get a lump in my throat and teary-eyed. She's not going to be a baby anymore! And if I'm having this much trouble with her first birthday, I'm going to be a wreck as she gets older and starts doing things like going to school, or turning 16, or oh my goodness get married! Ok ok maybe I'm overreacting. But really, she is growing up so fast. I have learned so so much from her! I absolutely LOVE being a mom and there's no doubt in my mind that it's what I am supposed to do with my life. I have never been happier. That's not to say that it's been a walk in the park. It hasn't. There have been some days when even though I love my daughter with all of my heart, I've wanted to pull my hair out and scream. But I thank my Heavenly Father every single day for the blessing of being a mother. I have a few close friends who, for some reason have not been blessed with children at this point in their lives. My heart aches for them. I pray for them often.
Over the past year, my weaknesses have become very clear to me. I am so far from perfection, and sometimes I get discouraged about that, but I try to do my best. It humbles me to know what aspects of my life I need to work on.
Lately Kambria has been so adorable! I have no words to describe how much joy her cuteness brings to me :) She babbles all the time: in her crib, in the high chair, in the car, in church. She doesn't say any words yet, but she cocks her head to the side and squints and smiles and babbles and I just want to eat her up, it is so cute! I want to remember her baby attributes because I know that before I know it she will be so big. She follows me around all day, and sometimes wants to be held more than I have hands for. But I will cherish this time now because some day, she might not think that hanging out with me is so cool after all. She is beginning to learn how to give loves, and she gives great open-mouth kisses :) She means the world to me and I want to give her the very best. Including my best self.
I'm all choked up just writing all of this. I just wanted to write down my feelings about this sweet little girl who has brightened up my life immensely. I guess when she stops being a baby I'll have to have another one :)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
To Cut or Not to Cut
Ugh. I am so sick of my hair!! Every so often I get the urge to chop all of my hair off. I've basically ALWAYS had long hair. And usually, I really like it. I debate back and forth, back and forth, should I cut it, should I not... And usually my wussy side wins out and I don't cut it because I get scared. 2 years ago I decided to take the plunge and cut it, but I didn't dare go too too short. The result? A medium hair cut that was somewhat cute straight, but so poofy and so ugly when I did it curly. So I didn't like it and have grown it out ever since. Here is the internal debate this time:
One thing I keep telling myself is that if I cut it short, I'll have to straighten it all the time because it would be poofy if I did it curly. Then I realized, I straighten it all the time anyway! Maybe one time in a month do I ever do it curly anymore.
Kambi is always grabbing my hair, therefore it is in a ponytail almost EVERY DAY. Even when it's in a ponytail, she can still get to it.
It bugs me when I sleep.
Maybe a cute hair do would take the focus off my acne covered face.
I get headaches a lot. Maybe because of the weight of my hair.
My hair takes forever to grow. If I hate the cut, it will be a long long time to get long again.
Who can I get to cut it and how much would it cost.
Hm, save money on shampoo and conditioner.
Curt likes my hair long.
I shed so bad and since it's so long, it clogs drains and gets all over everything.
I wouldn't be able to put it in a ponytail if I wanted to.
This is the internal debate
One thing I keep telling myself is that if I cut it short, I'll have to straighten it all the time because it would be poofy if I did it curly. Then I realized, I straighten it all the time anyway! Maybe one time in a month do I ever do it curly anymore.
Kambi is always grabbing my hair, therefore it is in a ponytail almost EVERY DAY. Even when it's in a ponytail, she can still get to it.
It bugs me when I sleep.
Maybe a cute hair do would take the focus off my acne covered face.
I get headaches a lot. Maybe because of the weight of my hair.
My hair takes forever to grow. If I hate the cut, it will be a long long time to get long again.
Who can I get to cut it and how much would it cost.
Hm, save money on shampoo and conditioner.
Curt likes my hair long.
I shed so bad and since it's so long, it clogs drains and gets all over everything.
I wouldn't be able to put it in a ponytail if I wanted to.
This is the internal debate
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Hello Again
Wow, that last post was forever ago! Kambi has changed so much since then. Time is just flying.
This post is only kind of related to being a mommy. 2 significant physical changes (well, many more than that, but I'm only writing about 2) happened during my pregnancy. 1) My hair was so healthy!! I don't think I lost a single strand. 2) I started to break out with pimples more than I ever had. I had read that that was quite common in pregnancy, and they weren't huge or bright red or anything, so I patiently endured. Well, I had my baby and immediately got my pre-pregnancy hair back, but my complexion didn't change. Over the next few months it got worse and worse until it was out of control. When I was in Logan for Thanksgiving, I almost didn't say hello to an old friend I saw because I didn't want her to see me and my face. I started avoiding mirrors and cameras, and that's when I knew that something had to be done. I wanted to see a dermatologist, but it is so hard on a college student budget to think of spending anything that isn't totally and utterly necessary, and for a long time I wasn't on insurance. I had to tell myself that the acne all over my face did not change anything about my worth as a person, and that I was still me despite my less-than-perfect looks. Curt has been so good throughout this whole trial; he tells me all the time that I'm beautiful and that he loves my smile.
Anyway, I went to an esthetician to get a facial, thinking that she would cleanse my pores and give me a product that would actually work on my face. Well, to make a long story short, on my 2nd facial she pretty much told me that I would have to get regular facials every 2 to 4 weeks for it to make a difference. YIKES! There's no way I could afford that! AND she went on to tell me that basically, the only type of cleanser or make up that I should ever dare to put on my face is the product she sells, and a select few other salon brands. (of course these are WAY more expensive than what I normally buy). When she told me I would have to come back for facial #2, I started feeling a little uneasy about the whole thing, but at this point I thought to myself, "I do not trust this lady and there's no way I'm coming back." (It was so painful, having her extract black heads...ouch!)
I finally was able to get insurance, and the minute I did, I called a dermatologist. Of course, I have to have a referral from another dr to see a specialist, so now I am going to a family dr next week to (hopefully) have her look at my face and say, yes, this girl needs some help. I really hope and pray that I can finally get my face cleared up! This problem has weighed on me so much over the last several months and I'm ready to feel better about myself again.
This post is only kind of related to being a mommy. 2 significant physical changes (well, many more than that, but I'm only writing about 2) happened during my pregnancy. 1) My hair was so healthy!! I don't think I lost a single strand. 2) I started to break out with pimples more than I ever had. I had read that that was quite common in pregnancy, and they weren't huge or bright red or anything, so I patiently endured. Well, I had my baby and immediately got my pre-pregnancy hair back, but my complexion didn't change. Over the next few months it got worse and worse until it was out of control. When I was in Logan for Thanksgiving, I almost didn't say hello to an old friend I saw because I didn't want her to see me and my face. I started avoiding mirrors and cameras, and that's when I knew that something had to be done. I wanted to see a dermatologist, but it is so hard on a college student budget to think of spending anything that isn't totally and utterly necessary, and for a long time I wasn't on insurance. I had to tell myself that the acne all over my face did not change anything about my worth as a person, and that I was still me despite my less-than-perfect looks. Curt has been so good throughout this whole trial; he tells me all the time that I'm beautiful and that he loves my smile.
Anyway, I went to an esthetician to get a facial, thinking that she would cleanse my pores and give me a product that would actually work on my face. Well, to make a long story short, on my 2nd facial she pretty much told me that I would have to get regular facials every 2 to 4 weeks for it to make a difference. YIKES! There's no way I could afford that! AND she went on to tell me that basically, the only type of cleanser or make up that I should ever dare to put on my face is the product she sells, and a select few other salon brands. (of course these are WAY more expensive than what I normally buy). When she told me I would have to come back for facial #2, I started feeling a little uneasy about the whole thing, but at this point I thought to myself, "I do not trust this lady and there's no way I'm coming back." (It was so painful, having her extract black heads...ouch!)
I finally was able to get insurance, and the minute I did, I called a dermatologist. Of course, I have to have a referral from another dr to see a specialist, so now I am going to a family dr next week to (hopefully) have her look at my face and say, yes, this girl needs some help. I really hope and pray that I can finally get my face cleared up! This problem has weighed on me so much over the last several months and I'm ready to feel better about myself again.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
All About My Baby Girl
I wanted to write down some things about Kambria:
She LOVES loves LOVES being outside. If we don't go outside and do something, every day, she gets really antsy. Any time she is cranky, going outside will always settle her down.
She hates hates hates getting her face wiped! She tries to wiggle her way out of it, and screams when I successfully wipe off the milk/baby food/spit up from her cute face.
She never sits still. EVER.
Kambria is the most intense baby I've ever met. When she is happy, she is extremely happy and her whole face lights up. When she is mad, she is extremely mad. Watch out.
She loves it when I turn on music and dance with her.
Kambria loves to be a part of the action. She knows when there's a party going on and she better be invited!
She has her own sort of crawl and can get around fairly well now. Recently she started to be able to pull herself up to standing. (Where did my newborn go?!)
She has 2 teeth on the bottom and is getting her top ones too.
She doesn't like getting dressed or undressed. She earnestly tries to roll over and crawl away any time this torture time comes along.
She is so strong!
She loves squash (just like her dad).
She looks almost exactly like her mom.
She loves it when we put a blanket over her and say "Where's Kambi?" She swats her arms to get the blanket down (usually her legs are going just as fast as her arms are) to reveal her gigantic smile.
She loves to just watch us. I can put her in her rocker in the kitchen while I do the dishes or cook and she will be thoroughly entertained.
When I'm getting her ready for a nap (laying out the blanket, giving her the wubby) she laughs. It's so cute.
She loves to splash in the bathtub! By the time we are done, the floor is wet, the mirror has water clear to the top of it, and Curt and I are soaked :)
She is a tummy sleeper and has been since she learned how to roll over. Occasionally I'll find her with her knees tucked up under her belly and her bum in the air. Love it!
She has a kind of silent laugh. She grins from ear to ear, with the smile reaching her eyes, but doesn't make any noise except for an occasional squeal.
She can kick her legs like nobody's business. (And she does it, ALL THE TIME!)
She does NOT like to cuddle! There are only 2 exceptions: (1) when we are around people she's not very familiar with, if they try to talk to her or hold her she'll bury her head in my shoulder, and (2) when she's tired, but not overly tired, she will let me cradle her and rock her before I put her to bed. (if she's overly tired she will try to wiggle out of my arms).
Changing her diaper can be a real challenge. She stiffens her legs so that you can't get in and wipe her down. This is, of course, when she actually stays on her back for you and is not rolling over.
Kambria is a MIRACLE and she makes me so so happy. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. Every day I am grateful that I carried her full-term, with no complications, and that she is healthy. I wouldn't change being a mom for anything in the entire world!!
She LOVES loves LOVES being outside. If we don't go outside and do something, every day, she gets really antsy. Any time she is cranky, going outside will always settle her down.
She hates hates hates getting her face wiped! She tries to wiggle her way out of it, and screams when I successfully wipe off the milk/baby food/spit up from her cute face.
She never sits still. EVER.
Kambria is the most intense baby I've ever met. When she is happy, she is extremely happy and her whole face lights up. When she is mad, she is extremely mad. Watch out.
She loves it when I turn on music and dance with her.
Kambria loves to be a part of the action. She knows when there's a party going on and she better be invited!
She has her own sort of crawl and can get around fairly well now. Recently she started to be able to pull herself up to standing. (Where did my newborn go?!)
She has 2 teeth on the bottom and is getting her top ones too.
She doesn't like getting dressed or undressed. She earnestly tries to roll over and crawl away any time this torture time comes along.
She is so strong!
She loves squash (just like her dad).
She looks almost exactly like her mom.
She loves it when we put a blanket over her and say "Where's Kambi?" She swats her arms to get the blanket down (usually her legs are going just as fast as her arms are) to reveal her gigantic smile.
She loves to just watch us. I can put her in her rocker in the kitchen while I do the dishes or cook and she will be thoroughly entertained.
When I'm getting her ready for a nap (laying out the blanket, giving her the wubby) she laughs. It's so cute.
She loves to splash in the bathtub! By the time we are done, the floor is wet, the mirror has water clear to the top of it, and Curt and I are soaked :)
She is a tummy sleeper and has been since she learned how to roll over. Occasionally I'll find her with her knees tucked up under her belly and her bum in the air. Love it!
She has a kind of silent laugh. She grins from ear to ear, with the smile reaching her eyes, but doesn't make any noise except for an occasional squeal.
She can kick her legs like nobody's business. (And she does it, ALL THE TIME!)
She does NOT like to cuddle! There are only 2 exceptions: (1) when we are around people she's not very familiar with, if they try to talk to her or hold her she'll bury her head in my shoulder, and (2) when she's tired, but not overly tired, she will let me cradle her and rock her before I put her to bed. (if she's overly tired she will try to wiggle out of my arms).
Changing her diaper can be a real challenge. She stiffens her legs so that you can't get in and wipe her down. This is, of course, when she actually stays on her back for you and is not rolling over.
Kambria is a MIRACLE and she makes me so so happy. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. Every day I am grateful that I carried her full-term, with no complications, and that she is healthy. I wouldn't change being a mom for anything in the entire world!!
Friday, November 6, 2009
Life's Lessons
I did an assignment in high school once that was simply a list of 100 things I had learned. It was an eye-opening assignment, and gave me a chance to be insightful. Since this is kind of a journal to me, I wanted to start recording little things that I learn every day. Here are a few to start out.
I've learned that if I change Kambria's diaper right after she wakes up from a nap, she will pee all over the changing table as soon as I take her diaper off.
I've learned that if you pray for Heavenly Father to help you be a better person, He will give you more opportunities to be a better person. AKA challenges and trials.
I've learned that if I want something done the way I want it done, I have to do it.
I've learned that fresh air can do a world of good for a rough day.
I've learned that there will ALWAYS be dishes to be done, so just do them because I love having a clean kitchen.
I've learned that Kambria needs me to get down on the floor and play with her just as much as she needs me to feed her and take care of her physical needs.
I've learned that I have never been happier than I am now being a stay-at-home mom.
I've learned that if I change Kambria's diaper right after she wakes up from a nap, she will pee all over the changing table as soon as I take her diaper off.
I've learned that if you pray for Heavenly Father to help you be a better person, He will give you more opportunities to be a better person. AKA challenges and trials.
I've learned that if I want something done the way I want it done, I have to do it.
I've learned that fresh air can do a world of good for a rough day.
I've learned that there will ALWAYS be dishes to be done, so just do them because I love having a clean kitchen.
I've learned that Kambria needs me to get down on the floor and play with her just as much as she needs me to feed her and take care of her physical needs.
I've learned that I have never been happier than I am now being a stay-at-home mom.
Monday, October 26, 2009
My Little Best Buddy
I've been thinking about 2 experiences that I had right after Kambria was born and I wanted to record them, so here goes.
The first time I drove anywhere without Kambria was just a few days after she was born. I left her with my mom to fun a few errands. When I was pregnant with her I always talked to her on my commute to work. I used to tell her to not follow my bad example of calling other drivers idiots because that wasn't a very nice thing to do. So when I was all by myself in the car, I felt really sad that I didn't have my little baby girl to talk to.
During that week that my mom stayed with us to help out, she suggested that Curt and I go on a date. We had already eaten dinner so we decided to just go out for frozen yogurt. We went to Town Square (just 10 minutes away), got our yogurt, walked around for a few minutes and decided to head home. On the drive back I had this overwhelming feeling of missing my sweet baby girl. I couldn't hold back the tears as I thought of how precious she is to me. We hadn't been gone for very long, but after 9 months of having her spirit inside of me I felt lonely without her. When we got home she was sleeping on my mom's lap. I scooped her up and just held her and cried some more.
I know that this was the result of the Baby Blues, but I want her to always know how much she means to me and how much I absolutely love her. I try so hard to tell her every day that she is precious and loved and special to me!
The first time I drove anywhere without Kambria was just a few days after she was born. I left her with my mom to fun a few errands. When I was pregnant with her I always talked to her on my commute to work. I used to tell her to not follow my bad example of calling other drivers idiots because that wasn't a very nice thing to do. So when I was all by myself in the car, I felt really sad that I didn't have my little baby girl to talk to.
During that week that my mom stayed with us to help out, she suggested that Curt and I go on a date. We had already eaten dinner so we decided to just go out for frozen yogurt. We went to Town Square (just 10 minutes away), got our yogurt, walked around for a few minutes and decided to head home. On the drive back I had this overwhelming feeling of missing my sweet baby girl. I couldn't hold back the tears as I thought of how precious she is to me. We hadn't been gone for very long, but after 9 months of having her spirit inside of me I felt lonely without her. When we got home she was sleeping on my mom's lap. I scooped her up and just held her and cried some more.
I know that this was the result of the Baby Blues, but I want her to always know how much she means to me and how much I absolutely love her. I try so hard to tell her every day that she is precious and loved and special to me!
Monday, October 12, 2009
This Always Happens
Yesterday I bore my testimony in church for the first time in a long time. I think I was a little closer to the spirit because I was actually fasting, which I hadn't done in over a year. Anyway, every time I do, I always don't say everything that I want that is in my heart. So I wanted to write down on this blog that little piece of my heart.
Right around the time that Curt and I started dating my mom was on her daily walk when she suddenly couldn't breath, and basically collapsed. The friend she was with was able to get her to the hospital quickly, and it turned out she had 2 blood clots: one in each lung. Without going into too much detail, the next year was very difficult for our family, most especially for my mom. She suffered from post-traumatic-stress syndrome, which lead to anxiety/depression. I don't know all the details, but I believe that she had developed the clots from the birth control she was on. They tested her blood for any mutation that would have caused the clots. When it came time for my premarital exam, my mom requested that I be tested for the blood-clotting factors as well, as that would affect the type of birth control I would be on. The results came back and I do, in fact have the blood mutation that can cause clots. Thus, my doctor prescribed a birth control with no estrogen since an increase in that hormone ups the chances of developing a clot. Interestingly enough, my mom's tests came back negative for any mutation.
A little more than a year later, Curt and I decided it was time to start a family, and soon after, I became pregnant. Somewhere in all the stress of being new to a huge city, trying to find a doctor, and all the other emotions that come along with pregnancy, and because it had been a year since I found out about it, I neglected (forgot) to tell my OB about this certain blood mutation.
9 uneventful months later, my beautiful baby girl was born without a single complication.
So, while in the recovery room when my OB came to check on me, my mom mentioned this mutation that I honestly had not thought about in over a year. The Dr. glared at me and told me that if she had known, I would have been on a special medication. (Oops). She then referred me to a hemotologist who I went to see a few weeks later.
The hemotologist told me that I should consider myself very lucky. He went on to explain that having this certain blood mutation made my chances of miscarrying 7 to 8 times higher than what is normal. I feel kind of dumb for not knowing this, but when you're pregnant you have a whole lot more estrogen running through your body than when you're not. And for me, more estrogen equals higher risk of having a blood clot. If I would have developed a clot in my placenta, my dear sweet baby would not have lived.
When he told me this, I was shocked. I thought back to the day that I found out I was pregnant and the prayer that I offered to my Heavenly Father thanking him for giving me the chance to be a mom. I remembered the 2 priesthood blessings that Curt had given me: one soon after we found out the news and one the day we went into the hospital. I remembered a special moment I had in my first trimester after reading a friend's blog about cherishing every moment with your child. Up to that point in my pregnancy I'm kind of ashamed to say that I was not excited to be pregnant. The sickness was miserable, I was so worried about how we were going to afford a child, and I was honestly scared to death about giving birth. But after I read her sweet story of taking time to enjoy the important little things, the Spirit whispered to my heart that this child was meant to come to my family at this time. I felt peace, knowing that I, and this child, was in Heavenly Father's hands and that this was the right thing for me to be doing.
This strengthened my testimony that Kambria is supposed to be here, in my family, at this time. I am so truly blessed. I'm so so so grateful for my sweet daughter and that she is healthy. I am humbled to know that my life is in my Heavenly Father's hands and it is also on His timetable, not mine. I know that my role and calling in life is to be a mother and I feel so honored that He trusts me with His sweet little spirit. I KNOW He answers prayers! I KNOW that He is aware of me and He loves me and He loves my baby girl so much more perfectly than I ever will. I cannot say enough how grateful and blessed I feel that He protected me and Kambria through the pregnancy and that I didn't have any blood clots, despite the fact that I had forgotten about my condition and that statistics and the Dr. say I am lucky. I know it wasn't luck, it was a blessing. It was so so hard to watch my mom suffer all that she did, but I will always be grateful to her; I may have never known about my blood mutation and maybe someday down the road, knowing about it may save a life.
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live! I know they do. This is my testimony, and I write it in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.
Right around the time that Curt and I started dating my mom was on her daily walk when she suddenly couldn't breath, and basically collapsed. The friend she was with was able to get her to the hospital quickly, and it turned out she had 2 blood clots: one in each lung. Without going into too much detail, the next year was very difficult for our family, most especially for my mom. She suffered from post-traumatic-stress syndrome, which lead to anxiety/depression. I don't know all the details, but I believe that she had developed the clots from the birth control she was on. They tested her blood for any mutation that would have caused the clots. When it came time for my premarital exam, my mom requested that I be tested for the blood-clotting factors as well, as that would affect the type of birth control I would be on. The results came back and I do, in fact have the blood mutation that can cause clots. Thus, my doctor prescribed a birth control with no estrogen since an increase in that hormone ups the chances of developing a clot. Interestingly enough, my mom's tests came back negative for any mutation.
A little more than a year later, Curt and I decided it was time to start a family, and soon after, I became pregnant. Somewhere in all the stress of being new to a huge city, trying to find a doctor, and all the other emotions that come along with pregnancy, and because it had been a year since I found out about it, I neglected (forgot) to tell my OB about this certain blood mutation.
9 uneventful months later, my beautiful baby girl was born without a single complication.
So, while in the recovery room when my OB came to check on me, my mom mentioned this mutation that I honestly had not thought about in over a year. The Dr. glared at me and told me that if she had known, I would have been on a special medication. (Oops). She then referred me to a hemotologist who I went to see a few weeks later.
The hemotologist told me that I should consider myself very lucky. He went on to explain that having this certain blood mutation made my chances of miscarrying 7 to 8 times higher than what is normal. I feel kind of dumb for not knowing this, but when you're pregnant you have a whole lot more estrogen running through your body than when you're not. And for me, more estrogen equals higher risk of having a blood clot. If I would have developed a clot in my placenta, my dear sweet baby would not have lived.
When he told me this, I was shocked. I thought back to the day that I found out I was pregnant and the prayer that I offered to my Heavenly Father thanking him for giving me the chance to be a mom. I remembered the 2 priesthood blessings that Curt had given me: one soon after we found out the news and one the day we went into the hospital. I remembered a special moment I had in my first trimester after reading a friend's blog about cherishing every moment with your child. Up to that point in my pregnancy I'm kind of ashamed to say that I was not excited to be pregnant. The sickness was miserable, I was so worried about how we were going to afford a child, and I was honestly scared to death about giving birth. But after I read her sweet story of taking time to enjoy the important little things, the Spirit whispered to my heart that this child was meant to come to my family at this time. I felt peace, knowing that I, and this child, was in Heavenly Father's hands and that this was the right thing for me to be doing.
This strengthened my testimony that Kambria is supposed to be here, in my family, at this time. I am so truly blessed. I'm so so so grateful for my sweet daughter and that she is healthy. I am humbled to know that my life is in my Heavenly Father's hands and it is also on His timetable, not mine. I know that my role and calling in life is to be a mother and I feel so honored that He trusts me with His sweet little spirit. I KNOW He answers prayers! I KNOW that He is aware of me and He loves me and He loves my baby girl so much more perfectly than I ever will. I cannot say enough how grateful and blessed I feel that He protected me and Kambria through the pregnancy and that I didn't have any blood clots, despite the fact that I had forgotten about my condition and that statistics and the Dr. say I am lucky. I know it wasn't luck, it was a blessing. It was so so hard to watch my mom suffer all that she did, but I will always be grateful to her; I may have never known about my blood mutation and maybe someday down the road, knowing about it may save a life.
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live! I know they do. This is my testimony, and I write it in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.
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